How to Succeed in the Corporate World - Lesson #4

If you are to be a successful Kool-Aid guzzler, you MUST be sterilized.

I recommend that you have your tubes tied as soon as you declare your major, and no later than spring break of your senior year.  One might think that tubal ligation surgery would be a sweet graduation gift.  One would be wrong.  Remember Lesson #2?  Having abdominal surgery at the same time you should be running away from everyone you know and love is like texting after a couple of bottles of wine.  It's a bad idea.

You might be thinking, now why in the world can't I just go on the pill or get a NuvaRing?  Let me tell you why.  Because one day, there will be a little voice in the back of your head telling you how fantastic it would be to give birth to your very own cute and cuddly spawn.  You might even decide to stop popping your nightly BCP or fisting yourself each month (the concept of NuvaRing insertion freaks me way out) in order to become impregnated with yourveryown wittle bitty bambino.  However, if you've followed my advice and had those tubes snipped, then you will realize that pregnancy is impossible and you will quickly move on from such absurdity.

Never having kids is the only way to go if you want to climb the greasy pole of corporate success.  The act of childbirth alone requires that you miss at least 2 days of work; and some people are so wrapped up in being a new mom that they take MONTHS off from work.  This is just not acceptable for a budding CEO.

And it's not just calving that will require you to be away from the office (unless a water birth in the company fitness center appeals to you).  Kids get sick.  And who do kids want when they get sick?  Well,  that's a trick question.  If you've been a good little company sheep, then your kids will want Daddy.  But Daddy can't be missing work every single time that the kiddos fall ill.  Which means that you will have to stay home and change out DVD's every couple of hours and maybe even *gasp* cuddle and comfort your little one.  And in addition to the occasional (or not so occasional in those first couple of years at day care) sick day, there is also an endless tidal wave of sporting events, school functions, and special occasions that any decent parent is expected to attend.

So take my advice.  Let Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar carry your contribution to planetary overpopulation.  Have yourself spayed. If you want to succeed, don't breed.