Dear Son:
Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten. And while I am so very happy because it means you are healthy and thriving, I am also very sad. Because I know that even bigger changes lie ahead for us. And I'm not ready to let you go.
I remember when I found out that you were growing in my tummy. I told anyone who asked, "This baby won't dictate our routines. It will adapt to our lives and not the other way around." And that was one of a handful of things that I succeeded at as a mother.
And I'm so sorry.
I dropped you off at daycare for the first time when you were just six weeks old. And I gave away so many "firsts" with you in the process. Your first word, your first steps, first new foods, and the list goes on. I'm so sorry I missed those things. Because they were all things that made me so happy, things no mom should have to miss.
I couldn't wait for those middle of the night feedings to be over so I could go back to sleep because I had to work the next day. I should have held you close and enjoyed our time together.
I couldn't wait until you started walking so I wouldn't have to carry you everywhere. I should have realized how soon you would be too big for me to carry.
I rushed you through our morning routine so I wouldn't be late. I should have planned more so I could fuss less.
I couldn't wait until you were old enough to play on your own so you would quit asking me to play with you while I was trying to relax after a long day. And now we've reached a day when I can see that you're not going to want me to play with you anymore.
Worst of all, I couldn't wait for you to start school so your dad and I could quit paying for day care. And now that it's happening, I regret wishing your life away.
I have worked long hours and spent weeks at a time away from home in order to buy toys and clothes and more toys to give you. But I never gave you my time. I was always too busy trying to be a good businesswoman/daughter/friend to everyone else that I forgot that my most important job was to be a good mom.
So here's my promise to you: From now on, I'm going to do better. I'm going to be there for everything else less so I can be there for you more. Because if there's anything that being your mom has taught me, it's that the hours now pass like seconds, and the months like minutes.
I am going to do my very best to not let you see me cry tomorrow, because your first day of Kindergarten should be full of butterflies in your stomach and excited giggles. But once those doors shut behind me, I will cry for all the time I've lost and all of your baby-ness that I wished away.
You're going to learn so much and make so many new friends and have so much fun at school, and I promise I will take the time to listen when you tell me all about it.
I love you big as heaven, my sweet boy.
