How to Succeed in the Corporate World - Lesson #2

Distance yourself.

You heard me.  If you are to become a successful ladder-climber, distancing yourself is a MUST.  You should pull a Melanie Smooter from Sweet Home Alabama, change your last name, and relocate to a completely different area of the country.  Better yet, you should live like you were the one who tipped the feds off about Whitey Bulger's location and are now living out your years in the witness protection program.  The day of your college graduation, you should thank your parents and friends for all they've done for you, kiss them all goodbye, and hit the trail.

Why is distancing yourself such an essential element to corporate success, you may ask?  Here's why.  People are NEEDY.  The fewer people who really know you and think they can depend on you for anything, the better.  This is especially true for parents.  As they age, parents get sick and end up in hospitals.  They become unable to mow their own yards.  They try to shovel their own driveways and break a hip.  If they know how to get in touch with you and you are made aware of these unfortunate events, you will feel the need to go be with them in their times of need.  This is not acceptable behavior for a corporate puppet.  Your parents may have changed your diapers, mopped up your vomit, dried your tears, and paid your college tuition, but you are married to your job.

The same is true for friends, which is why you should never plan on having any.  Friends will reach out to you during a crisis and expect you to be a shoulder for them to cry on.  They might want to come visit and crash at your house.  Now, how in the world do you expect to entertain company when you spend 14 hours a day chained to your desk?  Of course, you should always look for an opportunity to rub elbows at the office, but only rub the elbows of those who are higher up the ladder (and salary scale) than you.  Not with those on the same level with you, and NEVER with your subordinates.

Be an island.  Buy stock in your favorite frozen dinner company and your favorite fast food joint.  In short, make like a Coyote Ugly bartender and always appear available, but never be available.

Next lesson - On Marriage.

How to Succeed in the Corporate World - Lesson #1

Have a penis and testicles.  It is best if you are born with said twig and berries, but I guess a gender reassignment would get you the same result.  That being said, this series of blogs is about those of us who were born with and decided to keep our jayjays and are trying to make it in the business world.

Now for the disclaimers:  I am NOT a bra-burning womens' libber.  I do believe that there are LOTS of jobs in this world that are better suited for men than women.  And I'm okay with that, because I also happen to believe that there are LOTS Of jobs in this world that are better suited for women than men.  I just wholeheartedly believe that, if a man wants to become a nurse (traditionally viewed as a woman's job), or a woman wants to become a mechanic (traditionally viewed as a man's job), then more power to him or her and they should each get the same fair treatment from their employers.  I will be making reference in these posts to jobs viewed as being traditionally male or female.  This doesn't make me sexist or mean I am being derogatory toward those professions.  I'm just using them as examples to illustrate the working world as I see it.

As sad as it may seem, and as jaded as it makes me sound, gender equality in a corporate environment is like Nessie.  It doesn't exist.  We live in a world where women who are well into their 40's are having children and women are allowed to serve in the military right along side their male counterparts (and excel in doing so).  I can't think of a single job that men do that women either aren't allowed to do or aren't capable of doing.  Yet, if a woman and a man - both with the same education, certifications, and experience - both apply for the same job/promotion in a corporate-type environment AND (this is a big AND) the person doing the hiring is a man, the male candidate will, 9 times out of 10, get the job/promotion.  That's isn't equality.  Equality is 5 times out of 10 (no extra charge for that little math lesson).

Women are usually seen as fragile, emotional airheads who will believe whatever they are told, so long as the voice telling it to them is attached to a man.  I cannot begin to count the number of times that something has gone wrong with my car or I've needed a repair done at my house and the man on the other end of the phone either talks to me like English is my second language or blatantly lies to me because after all, that pair of tits on the other end of the phone will believe absolutely anything, right?  Wrong.

On the other side of the perception coin is the woman who uses her intelligence and strength and shows the world what a tough bird she can be.  I'm all about being true to oneself, but that can backfire, too.  Women like that are usually seen in the corporate setting as battleaxes (think SNL's version of Janet Reno).  It is also usually assumed that this type of woman prefers the company of other women over the company of men.  So you have lots and lots of women out there who are, in fact, extremely smart and capable, yet they play the ditz card for fear of not being accepted.

So, where does that leave us?  How can we make it better?  I have no idea.

Check back soon for Lesson #2 - Distance Yourself.

Between a Rock and a Bigger Rock

Remember that Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime?"  The one with the line, "You may ask yourself, well, 'how did I get here?'"  That's how I felt today.  Okay, to be perfectly honest, that is how I've felt for a long time - like, for the last year.  But today, for no reason I can put my finger on, it really hit me.
How did I get here?  When did I make the leap from bubbly, happy, and hyper to bitter, miserable, and perpetually exhausted?  And how do I un-leap?
I remember having a discussion with Husband right after I graduated from college and got my first "real" job.  We were talking about having kids and I told him I would get a job making big bucks and travel the world and he could stay at home.  I would come home a couple of times a year, have a baby every couple of years, and he could be Mr. Mom.  At the time, that sounded like the perfect arrangement.
But oh, how times changed.
Now all I want is to be able to enjoy (and by enjoy, I mean spend as much time as possible) with Husband and Progeny.  I want to be able to provide for them without living most of my waking hours in Strokeville.  I want to be able to cope without enough meds to keep a horse chill.  I want to NEVER have to miss one of Progeny's school functions or field trips.  I want to always be the one who stays home and comforts and cares for him when he is sick.  I want to leave my desk every evening feeling good about what I'm getting paid to do instead of feeling empty.  I want to be the kind of person who gives 100% of herself to her child and her husband - not the one who gives them whatever is left of herself at the end of an endless string of worst days ever.
This past weekend, I looked at Progeny and realized, the days of him being so sweet and cuddly are almost over.  And I feel like I've missed it all.  I've missed the most precious years of my one and only child's life.  And for what?  He's not the least bit impressed by his mom's job.  All he knows is, Mom works all the time.
I just feel like I've gotten it all wrong.  And I don't know if or how I can make it right.