I admit: I think the idea of reducing a life full of education and experience and personality to one itty bitty sheet of paper is insane. But, apparently a resume is just one of those things that people can't survive without. So, instead of the standard canned personal history lesson, I've decided my next official resume will actually be a list of things I like and things I don't like. Here's what I have so far:
Things I like:
-My family
-Reading
-Writing
-Making people laugh
-Watching TV
-Making shit (not actually breaking food down and making waste in the potty, but creating stuff, like wreaths)
-Flexibility
-Equality
-Jokes, both corny and dirty
-Music
-Movies
Things I don't like and/or am incapable of doing:
-Schmoozing - That's a biggie. I am a HORRIBLE schmoozer. I just don't have it in me to be nice to others only to help me out in some way. I would rather do without than to have to schmooze. Because of this, anything sales-related is not feasible.
-Being told what to do (this is different than advice - I LOVE good advice. It's also different than guidance offered by those who are more intelligent and more experienced than I am. I always appreciate heartfelt guidance. I cannot stand being told to be here and do this at this particular time for this long).
-Dishonesty
-Bad grammar
-Rudeness
-Ignorance
-Mornings
-Monotony
-Ambiguity
So, here's my idea of the perfect job - First and foremost, one that doesn't require or expect me to be an absentee parent to my small child. In other words, flexibility is a MUST. Must offer decent pay (and if it doesn't offer health insurance, it has to pay even more) and allow me to utilize my talents/abilities to the fullest. Preference will be given to companies that enforce a strict No Asshole Rule (seriously, read the book and thank me later).
I'm thinking about posting this to monster.com just to see what happens.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Buzzwords that Make Me Want to Stab Myself
This blog has been a-brewin' for a while, ladies and gents. And following today (aka The Day From the Depths of Hell), I'm feeling the need to get some stuff off my chest. I'm sure there will be some profanity somewhere along the way, so if you are easily offended or have Puritan-like tendencies, stop reading now.
I've been mentally composing a list of buzz words and catch phrases that make me want to stab myself. Here's what I've come up with so far, along with examples of how they are (over)used nowadays and what they make me think about when I hear them (stabbing myself notwithstanding).
1. Reach out
Used in a sentence: "I just wanted to reach out and see how things are going."
This shit has GOT to stop. There are so many ways to convey what you mean without going there. For example, say "check in" instead of "reach out." Or how about avoiding the very cliche phrase issue altogether and just say, "I just wanted to see how things are going." Every time I hear or read the phrase "reach out," I immediately think of this:
That's right, folks. your attempt at proving how with the times you are by using the coolest jargon makes me think of the dead alligator's hand (paw? claw?) from the opening credits of Swamp People. Nothing says "current" like a dead reptile's mitt. Take Penny from Dirty Dancing's advice: "You gotta stop it. Now."
2. Buy-in
Used in a sentence: "I'm going to run this fabulous new idea of how to reinvent the wheel to you and when I get done, I'm going to ask for your buy-in."
What? With the economy in the proverbial sewer, you're going to ask me to buy something? One moment, please, while I laugh in your face.
Whatever happened to saying support or help? For some reason, when people ask me for my buy-in, I always imagine they're trying to talk me into signing up to sell Amway.
3. At the end of the day
Used in a sentence: "At the end of the day, that's all that matters."
At the end of the day, the sun goes down and I start dreading tomorrow. End of discussion.
4. Low-hanging fruit
Used in a sentence: "We've got to pick the low-hanging fruit."
Always makes me think about rotting, worm-filled apples lying on the ground. Gag a maggot.
5. Tweak
Used in a sentence: "I need you to tweak this before you send it out."
Dear Lord Baby Jesus! What, is change or revise no longer cool enough? Now I have to find a way to get my work high on meth before I send it out? Because that's what the word "tweak" makes me think about. Pock-faced, toothless, paranoid, sore-covered meth addicts. Nice visual. Whoever thought of that one should have to spend a week dragging around a pillow case full of Blow Pops and quarters in a crack house full of meth addicts.
6. Going forward
Used in a sentence: "Going forward, I can be reached at this number."
Fabulous. Like that's somehow better than "from now on," or "in the future," or "from here on out." It sounds very elitist to me. Like, "Dahling, going forward, we shan't drink wine from a screw top bottle." Side note: I think it's time to start enjoying a glass of wine each night. And, in extreme cases, at lunch each day.
There are many, many more which I will add at a later date. Trust me, this post has just scratched the surface. I have only started to pick the low-hanging fruit, if you will. I will continue to tweak it going forward. I just wanted to take a moment to reach out to you all and see if I could get your buy-in toward never again using these phrases. Because, at the end of the day, eliminating these awful phrases begins with you and me.
I've been mentally composing a list of buzz words and catch phrases that make me want to stab myself. Here's what I've come up with so far, along with examples of how they are (over)used nowadays and what they make me think about when I hear them (stabbing myself notwithstanding).
1. Reach out
Used in a sentence: "I just wanted to reach out and see how things are going."
This shit has GOT to stop. There are so many ways to convey what you mean without going there. For example, say "check in" instead of "reach out." Or how about avoiding the very cliche phrase issue altogether and just say, "I just wanted to see how things are going." Every time I hear or read the phrase "reach out," I immediately think of this:
That's right, folks. your attempt at proving how with the times you are by using the coolest jargon makes me think of the dead alligator's hand (paw? claw?) from the opening credits of Swamp People. Nothing says "current" like a dead reptile's mitt. Take Penny from Dirty Dancing's advice: "You gotta stop it. Now."
2. Buy-in
Used in a sentence: "I'm going to run this fabulous new idea of how to reinvent the wheel to you and when I get done, I'm going to ask for your buy-in."
What? With the economy in the proverbial sewer, you're going to ask me to buy something? One moment, please, while I laugh in your face.
Whatever happened to saying support or help? For some reason, when people ask me for my buy-in, I always imagine they're trying to talk me into signing up to sell Amway.
3. At the end of the day
Used in a sentence: "At the end of the day, that's all that matters."
At the end of the day, the sun goes down and I start dreading tomorrow. End of discussion.
4. Low-hanging fruit
Used in a sentence: "We've got to pick the low-hanging fruit."
Always makes me think about rotting, worm-filled apples lying on the ground. Gag a maggot.
5. Tweak
Used in a sentence: "I need you to tweak this before you send it out."
Dear Lord Baby Jesus! What, is change or revise no longer cool enough? Now I have to find a way to get my work high on meth before I send it out? Because that's what the word "tweak" makes me think about. Pock-faced, toothless, paranoid, sore-covered meth addicts. Nice visual. Whoever thought of that one should have to spend a week dragging around a pillow case full of Blow Pops and quarters in a crack house full of meth addicts.
6. Going forward
Used in a sentence: "Going forward, I can be reached at this number."
Fabulous. Like that's somehow better than "from now on," or "in the future," or "from here on out." It sounds very elitist to me. Like, "Dahling, going forward, we shan't drink wine from a screw top bottle." Side note: I think it's time to start enjoying a glass of wine each night. And, in extreme cases, at lunch each day.
There are many, many more which I will add at a later date. Trust me, this post has just scratched the surface. I have only started to pick the low-hanging fruit, if you will. I will continue to tweak it going forward. I just wanted to take a moment to reach out to you all and see if I could get your buy-in toward never again using these phrases. Because, at the end of the day, eliminating these awful phrases begins with you and me.
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